Three reasons I can’t be PM right now

So not with a bang, but with a whimper: the British press have been cruelly robbed of nine glorious weeks of stirring when one of the last two finalists in this year’s series of Britain’s Got Tories decided that nominative determinism was a load of old cobblers and despite having a name that suggested she could lead, didn’t.

We are now faced with Britian’s second ever female PM, a woman who has before her an almost impossible task: trying not to be compared to Margaret Thatcher.

I have no idea who Theresa May is, or how well she performs her duties, but she appears to already have a number of things on her side which give her a natural advantage and have reminded me why I could never be PM of Britain.

1. She has a name that screams out for punning

This will ensure that even as I type, a team of crack sub-editors is no doubt Googling frantically to find top-notch puns for the new PM. I can use Google too and that is why I am confident that before long we will see all or some of the following:

The Iron MAYden:  That is just a given, it ties in with both Margaret Thatcher’s legacy and a medieval instrument of torture to please the mysonginists out there – but crucially lets Europe know we won’t be a walkover with her at the helm.

MAY the force be with you: this one is really going to appeal to the younger demographic. The timing of the Star Wars reboot could not have come at a better time. If the EU in anyway threatens to become a giant Death Star, then we can send her off in a little fighter jet to drop a bomb down a rubbish shaft.

May Day! – That could hit as early as Wednesday to be honest, as that is the likely timeframe, but given that it is already been held as a public holiday in the UK this year, we could well see its second appearance for 2016 in the space of just a couple of months.

Long MAY she reign: bit dodgy, this one, as we technically already have a queen who is reigning and as she appoints the PM, one would not want to upset her too much.

MAY as well!: as something of a comic relief to the tensions of the previous week, perhaps? This would do well as a light-hearted caption under a picture of Theresa helping herself to a sandwich as she banters with eurosceptics about how long they will be able to enjoy panini once the EU ties are severed.

Let’s not forget to mention the following gems: Come what MAY, Devil MAY care, MAYthe best man win! Be that as it MAY and Gather Ye Rosebuds while ye MAY (that one might need a bit of work).

2. She has the shoes

In the 80s for men, it was all about the power tie. For women, it now appears that you need to strike just the right balance of severity and flair by coupling a simple, conservative suit with a pair of banging shoes. Her leopardskin print winklepickers with kitten heels have already been featured in at least two cartoons I came across without even looking for them, and I don’t even know what kitten heels are.

Come the day when she moves into Number 10, the press will no doubt imagine her returning home to her husband after a difficult day running the country and announcing, ‘We’re gonna need a bigger shoe rack.’ Let’s face it, nothing says “confident woman in control” than a pair of tastefully flamboyant shoes to top off a suit and the press is going to lap them up like a pack of foot fetishists. Rather than failing to look her square in the face because they are oggling her breasts, their gaze will be firmly foot-ward. Watch this space.

3. She has more patience than I do

What a goddamn mess to walk into. This is not going to be like Doris Day in Calamity Jane singing, ‘A Woman’s Touch‘ as she transforms a dusty shack into a cabin fit for glamping. This is an awful, awful pile of the worst kind of mess you can imagine. This is a box of network cables in an IT supply cupboard that has been added to, not just for year, but for decades.  I read the other day that the entire staff of legal offices in the civil service had already been comandeered to begin mapping the uncountable number of laws that will need to be unpicked.

She has taken a breezily matron-like approach, a no-nonsense house mistress who has come upon some disaster in the boys’ dormitory. The culprits who were its architects have fled and there are a couple of younger boys hanging around looking sheepish. She is really going to have to pull some bad ass Mary Poppins stuff out of her bag to sort this out.

Good luck to you mate, because the man who started all this has just – almost literally- whistled goodbye, knowing at least that Larry the Number Ten cat is safe so he can’t be blamed for that.  You, Theresa, have just won the worse job in the world. You have mulitple stakeholders and agencies, plus an emotional tsunami in the electorate to ride in the next few months and I am not 100% sure but I am pretty confident that the old, ‘You cut, I’ll choose’ method that I would have gone for is not really going to be enough to manage this problem.


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