Performance Review

OK. I would like to thank you guys for coming along this morning so we can discuss your performance. I don’t want you to feel like this is something you need to get too stressed about. I like to think of this as a team effort. Now before we get started, do either of you have any questions. Yes, Archie?

When’s lunch? Well generally you might have noticed that we don’t do lunch around here, plus as it is quarter to eight in the morning, we have only just had breakfast, so hang in there, buddy, OK?

Right, I guess we can start with output. Umm, let’s see. Well Lucy I see you are doing just fine. You seem to be a little more, er successful about meeting your deadline of between 6.30 am and 7.15 am in the park, which is very good. You still seem to be a little to keen to work privately, though – remember that teamwork is what we are about here, so sneaking off to work means that I just don’t hit my pick up targets and that, ultimately could lead to a fine, so keep working on sharing your success.

Archie.. let’s see. Oh, where has he gone? He was here a minute ago. He’s gone to get what? Oh his bone, I see. Well I guess it has been ten minutes since breakfast.

Ah there you are. So Archie, yes your output is … well extraordinary I guess, that is pretty much the word for it, but then I suppose that’s the first law thermodynamics for you. I guess the only thing we may still have to tighten up here – because let’s face it it won’t be your collar – is the timing and the geography. So if you could maybe look at trying to limit yourself to action during the morning walk or the afternoon walk and when you are outdoors as opposed to indoors then they would be great. Yes, I appreciate it is hard to hear me over the sound of crunching biscuits but do your best.

Now, behaviour – Lucy. No major issues here but I see we still have a little bit of a problem with the parrots. Yes I know they are loud but I can confirm that they have a distinct advantage over you in being able to move across both land and air, so there really is no point in trying – oh and by the way, that commando trick you do rolling in the grass under the trees is kidding nobody. Maybe just stick to walking on four legs under the trees, rather than two. Actually, maybe just don’t look up.

Archie, where do I begin? I guess broadly speaking it may be helpful to understand that while you may choose not to exercise, other people have that right and really you are not going to stop them from using bikes, or skateboards, or their legs to run. Or for that matter pulling trailers and driving buses. And while we are at it, a fence is just a barrier, not a challenge OK? There is no need to bark at the fence in case of an enemy on the other side. They are on the other side; that is the point of the fence.

Good, well I guess that just brings us to meals. This all seems fine, although Lucy I do have a note here that you are up to your old tricks with turkey mince again. It’s just meat, Lucy in a slightly different shape, so you do not have to refuse to eat it unless it is hand fed to you, because I know you like it. From the bowl, OK?

Archie… Archie. Let’s talk about bones. Now we pride ourselves here on our willingness to share, but that does not mean that Lucy’s bone is also yours, does it? You have a bone, Lucy has a bone, so I really do not want to see you next time guarding two bones, because we know what happens then, don’t we? Lucy knows you are going to try and steal hers and buries the bones and we never find them again and then we all lose. All of us except the flies, that is.

Excuse me? No, dinner time is still a few hours off, try and pace yourself there, big man.

OK, that is great. Thanks for coming and I guess we will check in again in six months time. Do either of you have any questions? No?

Oh, yes Lucy? Umm, well I guess the next walk will be around five o’clock, I mean we have only just come back from one that was quite long. You don’t remember? Well, I promise you did.

Oh you have a question, Archie? When are the snacks coming?

I will just get them for you. Yeah sure you can wait in the garden while I fetch them. The parrots are out, but that is OK they are sitting on the fence, so I know I can trust you guys, I’ll be back in a tick.



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