How to Boil a Brain

I have been asked by some to revisit the topic that I covered some time ago on the best method for boiling a brain. Please take notes, as I do not intend to repeat myself.

The brain is at once a delicate instrument and a monstrous organ. While its tissues are fine, it is one of the heaviest structures in the body, weighing in at around three pounds on average.

You will need a fairly large pot and some water. The pot should be wide enough to hold the entire surface of the brain, so that it does not touch the sides. This is key. The brain needs to be totally immersed, as if in a hammock, so that it is both suspended, supported and surrounded in the medium.

Attention to temperature is vital. The brain must be allowed to acclimatize to the heat so it is important that the temperature of the water when the brain is first introduced, is as near as possible to the air temperature in the room. It is a sensitive organ and too great a difference will cause it to contract as if in fright which will disturb the process entirely.

When in a relaxed state, both the gyrus and the suculus which together form the folds of the cerebellum will be softened and pliant. The brain will note the subtle change in pressure and atmosphere but will not be troubled as long as the temperature of its destination is not too markedly different from that of its previous habitat, to begin with.

There are some who worry that the heat, being applied as it is, could cause physical damage as a result of the cerebrum coming into contact with the bottom surface of the pot. While they are correct to observe that the excitement of particles upon the application of heat will cause the surface to become unbearably hot, there are two mitigating factors as follows: firstly the pot should be made entirely of metal and the surface will conduct energy through the particles like ideas in a crowd, so that the heat is evenly distributed. Secondly, bubbles will rapidly form on the bottom of the pot and will rise with the heat, causing the brain to become buoyant and light.

A further consideration is the function of the cerebrum, which is mainly to coordinate and control movement. Minor damage to this area is unlikely to have lasting impact on the overall effect of reasoning.

As the temperature of the water rises, the brain will begin to change, but as with a frog, it will not notice that it is being boiled as long as the temperature increase is gradual and steady. It is therefore important to be patient and consistent in your task. Salt should be added only just before the temperature nears boiling, as saline boils at a slightly higher temperature than pure water and these additional few degrees should be applied towards the end of the process, when the brain is already acclimatized to the hot conditions.

Finally I have been asked by some whether better results are likely to be achieved by cleaning the brain before the procedure, but I can assure you all that this is not necessary at all.

As long as these simple instructions are followed and diligence, care and patience are applied, then success will be achieved and your reward will be a compliant brain that is completely washed.


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